Involved

I know that if given enough time to be by myself, I become everything that I don’t want to be. It’s really true and I think this can be said about every person living on this blue and green machine called planet earth.

I certainly don’t desire to be some sort of hypocritical judge of others, but I do it so easily when I separate myself from those around me. When I hibernate, avoiding relationships and any sort of social involvement, I automatically absorb this bitter being who plays the know-it-all card at every turn and calls out the actions of others given even a slight moment of opportunity. It’s heightened more when I pay attention to the news and gossip of the world because I don’t know those lives who I read about. I’ve never met Britney Spears, but I know that she’s a hopeless waste of a soul. Just an example.

Loneliness creates a monster. I’m not sure if you have ever seen the movie, The Aviator, but the main character played by Leonardo Dicaprio is a perfect example of this. The movie is about a real life billionare and innovator named Howard Hughes who back in the 20’s and 30’s made a namesake for himself by setting world air-speed records, owning and expanding Transworld Airlines, and producing some of Hollywood’s most legendary films including Scarface and The Outlaw. The man had it all.

Later in life, he became a recluse (contributed to mental illness), living away from all of society. I found this article in the most trusted source of information on the web. Wikipedia says,

"As an adult—at one time one of the most visible men in America—Hughes ultimately vanished from public view altogether, although the tabloids continued to follow rumors regarding his behavior and whereabouts. At various times, the media reported him to be terminally ill, mentally unstable, or possibly dead. Hughes eventually became a complete recluse, locking himself in darkened rooms in a medication-induced daze. Though he always kept a barber on call, Hughes only had his hair cut and nails trimmed about once a year. Several doctors were kept in the house on a substantial salary, but Hughes rarely saw them and usually refused to follow their advice."

If you watch The Aviator, you see Hughes literally deteriorate into a creature, barely human. We cry and we get frightened by the horrific depiction while we watch the film, but the reality is that it is an extreme example of what seclusion from the world will do to even ourselves. The thing that Hughes evolved into is the manifestation of who we become when we separate ourselves from those around us.

Unfortunately, many people become lonely and secluded because, among many reasons, they have had a bad experience or a series of bad experiences with others in their life and they have found safety in being alone. For others like myself, I become lonely and secluded because of a lack of confidence and a distrust in who I am and what I am capable of. This creates a conflict between protecting myself from intimacy with others but then having to live with the person I despise the most (myself). And thus, the circle of bitterness and depression goes round and round and eventually becomes a Howard Hughes.

A larger reality of this is that many of us do not have good boundaries and therefore continue to be trapped in a circle of dysfunction. I don’t want to dive into that issue right now, but I will recommend a book by two authors named John Townsend and Henry Cloud called Boundaries. It’s worth the read.

I guess that what I’m trying to say is that seclusion deteriorates the beautiful opportunities there are to experience in this life. Living in a bubble of boiling anger and bitterness is not worth it. You know it and I know it.

Intimacy hurts at times, but it spreads open our wings. Avoiding it secures the cocoon. We were built to be united into a messy conglomoration called community. Even God knew it when He saw that "it is not good for man to be alone."

You are loved and so love others.

Looking for Home

For 28 years now, I've been on a great search for home. I can't say I remember this search as I first pushed my way into the world. But I know that the first sense of home I ever felt was the cradle of my mother's arms. But mom's arms of today cannot be the home I am searching for now.

If you look closely at the world--at the lives orbiting in and around you--you will see an entire planet searching for home. Scan for a brief moment the cover of the magazines in the super market line. Vanity disguises itself as the home you are searching for. We want to be able to make a residence in our own skin, yet our own skin is no place like home. Yes, Dorothy was right: there's no place like home.

What is home? Have you ever bothered to think about it? Maybe not. If you are like me, you are caught up in the world-wind of trying to make every temporary thing home. Yet, the pursuit is always met with the craving of unsettledness. Your diving through clouds, hoping that one of them will catch you like a pillow of rest, but yet your still falling. You feed and feed and get more hungry and more sick until you have finally had enough. It is then that you realize that what you think you want is actually not the thing you really want at all.

Maybe home is simply not available to us right now. Maybe we have glimpses or feelings of home, but the place of fulfilled light is only a place of longing right now, not the destination. I have hope that our longing will be met with the beginning of complete wholeness when we finally arrive at a time yet to be.

Our "longing" is not bad or lustful; rather, it is a gift and a free one at that. Although I have been angry with God about the curse of the "longing," I've realized that the longing for my heavenly Dad (that, whom I refer to as "home") carries me to Him.

I don't have the "God in relationship with humans" thing all figured out, but I've come to understand that as I stay in a relationship (not a religion) with my Creator, the longing is loving in the natural sense and not irritating in the forced sense. We should not attempt to fulfill the longing by our human will, but rather be present with Him and allow the longing to sustain forward.

I know you've heard it before, but I want to say it again and again and again. God is longing for You because he LOVES you and he has placed in you a space to love Him. He enjoys you and likes you and he wants you to enjoy and like him, too. Above all, he wants to be your home. The longing he has placed in you is His way of inviting you to be with Him now, so he can welcome you home in the end.