The Murky Lake and Snapping Turtles

I'm in that really weird position right now of not really knowing what I'm supposed to do next and currently, I'm not really doing that much. It's that uncertain place of not really knowing who I am anymore. I've been a leader in the church for 15 years and now that I no longer have that pasted on identity, I'm not quite sure of who I am.

I've been a musician, a pastor, an artist, a student, a visionary, a desperate/horny single man [these all being my adult years] and now I'm also a husband and a bearer of a ridiculously enormous vision (starting a pub) that's unbearably overwhelming. And yet, I'm still struggling to find that foundation to stand on. I guess it's like being in the shallow end of a murky lake, all the while you are stretching your toes in order to find the bottom but cautious enough that you won't get bitten by an angry snapping turtle.

And that's just it- I'm not really searching for what to do next, but rather reaching for the foundation on which I'm stranded above. I'm a little embarrassed that I've spent 15 solid years dedicating my everything to God yet at the bottom of it all, I'm not sure if I have ever actually trusted that God is there for me. Maybe this is why I've struggled with the reason to pray because to me, prayer has felt more like an expected action that an intimate necessity. I mean, do we talk to our pillows?

I guess that at the age of 30, I'm tired of living without a solid foundation. Without the foundation, I'm constantly afraid and when I'm constantly afraid, I'm paralyzed from living. And I know that I'm paralyzed right now because I'm highly uncomfortable leaving my own house. I'm afraid of looking stupid, afraid of being unimportant, afraid of abandonment, afraid of failing, afraid of getting abused, afraid, afraid, afraid. Sadly enough, my entire life I've been told that to escape your fear, you just need to do something. The problem is, I've done that and when you're a person who struggles to find a true and solid identity, you live to get the world to give it to you. It's a life plan that no longer works (as if it did in the first place).

I love my wife for many reasons, but one of the biggest reasons is that she continually encourages me to stop trying to follow expectations (such as "go get a job" and "be more creative") and begin nurturing my pain and emptiness. Just today, while she was going off to work her butt off (and I was feeling guilty for that), she insisted that I stray from the "should's" today and just enjoy being who I am. She's more concerned that we build a strong foundation of who we are individually and collectively rather than do everything we can to avoid looking like deadbeats. She knows that I won't really be a healthy influence to the world until I understand why I'm in the world in the first place. That's my wife for you.

There's an old adage that says, "It's not about who you are but 'whose' you are." If you go to a church with the baby boomer generation, you've heard that line a thousand times. But when you are at the bottom of your bruises as I am right now, you come to the realization that the old adage is indeed true. Because when you find out where you came from, you begin to understand who you really are. I think this is why many adults who are adopted try to go back and find their birth parents. There is some inner completeness in doing so.

**

This is the last thing I'll say and then you can go on with your day. We, as an aspiring generation, need to pause and engage in the art of listening. And to do so, we need to face the uncomfortableness of silence. I know that my story is also some of your own stories. Indeed, we live in a deafening noisy chaotic world that fills the soul with a lot of lies (i.e. "you're not good enough"). Hearing truth will silence the lies and burst forth the complete self that we are all dying for. I'm convinced of it.