I think that there is something about preparing- more specifically, packing- for a trip that triggers most people's narcissism, especially a trip to the bright lights of Las Vegas. I noticed this today as I am gathering all of my glamorous Target discount t-shirts and hand-me-down patterned grandpa shorts into Lindsey's old Umbro hockey duffle sports bag. I hear Vegas sparkles with twinkling lights and slot machines and dammit, I must sparkle, too.
So begins the dialog in my head as I whip open my suitcase...
"1. Will wearing this previously worn Spam t-shirt (thanks Patrick!) make people think I'm the funniest man on the strip or at least be a conversation starter by the pool? and 2. Does the bagginess in it's size make me look like I have bigger muscles, even when I'm the only skinny guy swimming in a t-shirt" or...
"Will I be looked upon and respected as an old hand at the blackjack table if I groom my beard, cover my neck in sex panther cologne and wear some pleated slacks?"
Yes, this is me in the inner destructive narcissistic tornado of me. The desire to be impressive and loved by the masses spins me dizzy while the cows of my thoughts get tossed around my brain like a scene from Twister. In my world, it's about, well, my world: the world where I reign fashion mogul, archbishop to the Kingdom, Pope to my religion, leader of the masses, and Matthew McConaughey to all of the swooning women, including my wife.
I'm exhausted you know. To live up to the standards of being flawless every day is invigorating in the moment and depleting the rest of the time. This is a universe of controlling everything and to live in that illusion is to play with Barbie dolls yet be one at the same time. It's a galaxy of youthful fantasy of unrealistic expectations and never-ending play dates contained in a soul that feels so Mattel plastic and rigid. Everyday, I wake up and somehow believe that I am in some sort of beauty pageant. Yes, these analogies fit my world.
And so the opposite of me is you. Do I escape my narcissism by paying attention to others? Does that cure the cause or just avoid the symptoms? Do I do what Patch Adams did and create an outside world of helping the hurting or is this just a tool for avoiding my own hurt and expecting the wounds to heal in neglect?
In the same way, Jesus said to love others as you love yourself. The sermons of my childhood emphasized the first part of that commandment and completely avoided the latter. To love and even like myself was prideful and egotistical I was taught. Being a Christian is all about tending to others (those who are called "the lost" in evangelical terms). We want to model ourselves after Mother Theresa and really this just means we want to do her miraculous work noticed during the daytime and ignore the torment of thoughts she had before she went to sleep at night.
Here's the issue though: that philosophy looks glamorous and at the same time, ignores foundation. Religion wants to make people into redwood trees set in dense forests ("the world") filled with woodland creatures ("the lost") in order to reach out and be nutritious ("evangelism"). Yet it strives to be these enormous presences without becoming these fruitful creations. Notice the contradiction in that last sentence...
They want to be (arrived) these enormous presences (nouns) without becoming (growth) these fruitful creations (verbs).
Trees cannot survive without roots and for roots to become trees, they need to bloom. The bad news and the good news is that the blooming process is painful and the result is humiliating at the best of times and near death experiences at the worst of times. The dirt we grow in is the presence of wounds, anger, frustration, hopelessness, sadness, abuse, neglect and most of all, fear. Recovery is the process of moving through that dirt slowly and at mother nature's pace. It cannot be forced or manipulated. And to become a tree of any size is a continued road of recovery that doesn't seize. For trees to grow, they need to be faced with all forces of nature... destructive and stilling.
One problem to the neglect of growing roots through recovery is distraction. Mine is and has been video games, sexual stimulation, and over eating. Other's are busyness, greed, and exercise. And many other's- especially people of faith- is church. Church looks like spiritual growth because it has the name of God all over it. Faithfully attending Sunday services, creating Bible centered small groups, listening to powerful sermons, being baptized, and using God-given gifts in all spiritual outputs does not mean that one is spiritually growing. This is not to say that these things cannot inspire spiritual growth (as albums, movies, and sexual exploration have the ability to, as well), but they are not the heartbeat and life-line to the path of recovery (roots growing through the dirt). The temptation of thinking that Church equals spiritual growth results in huge Christian conferences being massively attended by church leaders and small meditative retreat centers hovering around the border of being ghost towns.
A tool counterintuitive to distractive Christianity is this practice called Centering Prayer that I have just been learning about this past year. And although it has been somewhat of an ancient practice, it is not something that many people of faith know about, are drawn to, or have even experienced. The goal of Centering Prayer as I have come to understand is to become present with the divine presence through silence, stillness, and meditation. Prayer that is taught in church is about talking, rationalizing, and thinking. This practice is not. Centering Prayer is the temporary abandonment of the outside world (the outer and inner noise) and going to the center of ourselves where the uncontrolled loving spirit of God exists. Many people- maybe even most- try it once and never do it again because it is not a "quick fix." It's a continued practice and like the road of recovery, it is not meant to be just a "season" of life. The practice does not invite you to spend the rest of your life in a monastery away from the world, but rather ultimately prepares you to love God, yourself, and others in the truest, most healthy sense in the world. If you have come this far in reading a rather long blog here, I would be shorting you for not giving you resources to at least research this powerful practice...
1. My parent's own an incredible and beautiful retreat center out in the country that among many things, invites people to experience/learn centering prayer. This is the website: www.lrretreats.com. Everyone is welcomed!
2. The greatest mentor of my life, a spiritual director named Maria Gullo, teaches Centering Prayer in many different ways. Check her out at www.mariagullo.com
Soooo... it is now about 14 hours until I check my baggage of glamorous cheap t-shirts, plaid shorts, Teva sandals, and medicine for the outbreak of acne that has spread across my back like the ebola virus. We're headed to Vegas, baby... where what happens in Vegas... stays... in the haunted thoughts for the rest of my life. I've prayed and pleaded to God to both help me love deeply and also win money abundantly (to give to the poor, of course). And I won't lie, I'm planning on having the best sex with my wife that we've ever had.
Life to be continued after this short message from our sponsors...
No comments:
Post a Comment