The Thing That Was There All Along

Have you ever noticed that as we grow older we are always trying to become something?

I want to become a musician. I want to become a lover. I want to become brilliant. I want to become.

But there is something so uncomfortable in saying that I already am, isn't there? It's as though the "I am" is not enough in life, especially in a life that is compulsively reaching for the stars. To say "I am" is like saying I have arrived... and there is something defeating about that. "I am" is a broken gas pedal while driving on the Audubon. "I am" is the refusal to grow. Or so we believe.

We are fueled by not being enough. Many times it's because we were affirmed this by our parents or by other authority figures in our life. Maybe it wasn't even through words... maybe it was their example. School, for most of us, taught us that we are not enough and most importantly, to STRIVE HARDER! Study more, pay attention more, listen more, learn more. More, more, more. The grading system wouldn't be functional if it was anything other than a factory of achievement. In high school, as my grades gradually got worse going towards graduation, I realized that I wasn't very intelligent because I compared myself with others. I wasn't able to score well on tests, like all of the "honor's society" classmates of mine. Coming into my senior year, I just hoped that there was going to be a class that graded solely on your personality alone. I figured that I was locked for a "B minus" if so.

When you begin a job after college, say like in a corporation, it doesn't get any easier. The more achievements you make in your duties, the more rewards you get. You get to become the boss of the people who you once shared a cubicle with. And then if you do that well, you become a bigger boss and so on and so on. If you are one to just be content with the job that you have and you never get promoted, you may just get lucky enough to receive a yearly membership to the jelly-of-the-month club come Christmas time. It's about climbing the latter, reaching for the top, and leaving behind the scales that you shed off from your old self.

Climbing to the top is not the problem. Some people are able to climb the ladders because they know their strengths (and weaknesses) and they thrive in them. But more times than not, people are trying to become something better because they do not feel like who they are is good enough. They are running from the person they learned to hate in hopes to become something they will love. It's like the person who is never satisfied with the partner they are in a relationship with at the time, so they continue to break hearts in hoping to find the next best thing. Much could be said about Apple products along those lines.

Youth group leaders- the most dominant authority figures in my life during high school- constantly reminded me and others to love my neighbor as myself. But now what I realize that they were actually saying was to figure out how to like my neighbor while degrading myself. There was no nurturing of my self-worth; as that would have come across like self-gratification. I was never really involved in any fights in high school, but I learned rather instinctually how to give myself bruises, all because I hated who I was. I meditated on being a sinner and in turn, I obsessed at seeing the sins of others. Later, I learned that we can only love others to the capacity of how much we allow ourselves to be loved.

I'm exhausted in living the cycle of not being enough. I want to look into a mirror that is not shattered and see a living plant that is not a weed. I want to put down the tight clenched fists aimed at my face and gently hold my aching soul like a baby in a mother's arms. To make the change is a radical step, almost one that seems devastating. It's in the realm of spinning the vehicle around at 70 mph and going head on into oncoming traffic. It's stepping off the cliff hoping that some invisible arms will grab me. It's counter culture and yet the brilliant people we admire were brave enough to do so.

I'll end like this.

Whether it's a fairy tale or not, my favorite story in the entire world is the story of Adam and Eve (my second favorite being Forrest Gump). I love it because if looked at in the appropriate light, the narrative can shake off the noise from the chaos given in the rest of the Bible that haunts our thoughts and messes us up. At the core or the story... I appreciate the fact that these two characters live in a time where they have no one to compare themselves with. They seem happy to be with each other and comfortable with being themselves. Before their curiosity gets the best of them and they get doomed at the tree, they really enjoy the life that they have- taking care of the animals, picking fruit, eating plenty, and probably picking more fruit (I've come to realize that they must have been fantastic gardeners). It's the story of the original self.

I think the thing that I love most about that story is that it gives me a glimpse at what "essence" means. I've learned that there is a difference between our character and our essence. To me, essence is our original self... the fingerprint of who we are, the "I am." It's that core of us that cannot be touched or manipulated. The only thing that we can do is either ignore it or marvel at it. I'm convinced that the reason we are obsessed with become something more is because we are strangers to our essence. We haven't taken the time to discover it and we've become blinded to the fact that it's the treasure that sits right in front of us. On the contrary, when we explore it, we find the thing that we search for most in this world... contentment.

I think about the musician who doesn't feel like they are good enough, yet they have all of the ability in the world in this very moment to make beautiful music because beautiful music is in the core of their essence.

I think about the mother or the father who sees themselves through the mistakes of their own parent's failures and in turn, ignore the fact that they are already extraordinary parents in the core of their essence.

And I think about the addict who refuses to believe that they can be free from the bonds of their addiction because they are strangers to the immense strength and victory that is in the core of their essence.

Give yourself permission to love yourself. It's ok to do so. I will join you.