See, between the ages of 15 and my mid-twenties, I only knew how to think like a Christian and the problem with that without any other view, it inevitably leads to being a closet segregationist. When I operated only from the perspective of a Christian view point, I lost touch with understanding the world. I assumed a lot of things about those who wanted nothing to do with Christianity and I made judgements based on those assumptions. I learned to put simple labels upon that which is complex because against the Scriptures, they were all vain. Or so I thought.
In that time of my life, I took the depth and brilliancy of those who didn't think like me and perceived it through my eyes that only saw shallow puddles. Everything was black or white. Nothing was gray. You either fully believed that Jesus is God or you didn't. You either crossed the bridge of salvation or you wandered in the desert of unbelief. It was this or that. Everything was about the "or" and the "then" and no belief ended in a question mark.
I didn't see it at the time, but my relationship with others that didn't go to church had a habit of fading. If they were not willing to budge in order to follow the Jesus I knew, I didn't really see a point in investing time with them. I mean, my life was about getting people to accept Jesus and what other mission could there have been? That's what Jesus wanted me to do, I was sure of it. I was a door-to-door religion salesman and if the door shut on my face, I was on to the next house. I knew the ultimate truth and the ultimate truth had no patience. Soon, I began to realize that the ultimate truth had no understanding either.
I wasn't willing to try and understand a belief that wasn't mine because I was afraid that someone may convince me that the very thing that I would die for had grave errors in it. I didn't want to be embarrassed by my follies and I certainly didn't want to risk the chance of not believing in God (mainly because I was terrified of hell- the place where unbelievers are supposed to end up at). Besides, I felt an invigorating rush in knowing that I had the most important decision on earth (following God) figured out and others did not. I knew this to be true because at parties, I was the only person who didn't drink.
My evangelism madness finally hit rock bottom when I forcefully used it against my own flesh and blood. Several years back, my sister- the most genuine and honest person I know- was openly venturing through some questioning about her faith and about the church. I was absolutely devastated when I found out. I couldn't accept the fact that the person that held me when on the day I was born could actually be having doubts about the most important decision on earth. How could this be?! In my mind, she was a rock that had turned to sand and I needed to figure out how to save her from being swept into the ocean forever.
It was one afternoon and her and I went to a sandwich shop near where she was living. She had recently started dating a guy who I wasn't sure about and I had just about had it. Her crisis of faith had now moved her into making poor decisions and it was time that I confronted her on it. So I did so without reserve. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I was aggressive and unwilling to hear her out. Tears rolled down her face and I knew it was because I had hurt her with my stubbornness. For the first time, I finally saw the damage done by my evangelism.
How many others did I hurt like this but never realized it because I never took the time to see their point-of-view? Who did I steam roll over with my Jesus fury because they didn't believe like I did? And how many moments to share life and learn from others had I missed because I was trying to push people into the same dysfunctional journey that I was on? And all of this to save them.
One of the many things that people like my sister have taught me about is that there is so much beauty in the gray. The freedom of life is in the ability to say, "I don't have the answer" and furthermore, "I don't need the answer today." In the questioning of the most important things to us in life is where the purest oxygen to breathe is abundantly available. When you are running around trying to force people into seeing something one way or your way, you are constantly running out of breath. At least I was.
Though it is a slow process, I have learned how to love the unknown, sort of like an agnostic. I'm breathing deeper than I ever have before. It's weird because at the age of 31, I'm ok with saying that I'm not sure of something- even if it has to do with God- because if it is truth, it will let me know someway and somehow. I can't deny that which has shown itself to me and the God of love has changed my life enough... enough that I have the freedom to not fully understand why, how, or if it will sustain. But the greatest devastation to a human life is when we close our eyes to the world and refuse to receive or at least observe what is there.
By all means, ask questions.
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