Exposed

A couple of week ago, while attending my weekly recovery group, I heard this said... "We are only as sick as our secrets."

As I've said before, I've been a pastor or a leader in the church for many years, ever since high school. I learned along the way- set by example- to try and have the answers to all of the questions, try to have my ducks in a row, and try to always be the safe person people will come to no matter what. Most pastors know exactly what I'm talking about. There's this pressure to be flawless because it's only in flawlessness that one can be trusted. Of course, flawlessness is an illusion.

The issue is that when we try to present ourselves in the illusion of flawlessness, the dark secrets inside of us get darker and jam themselves deeper into our hidden wounds. The holier we look on the outside, the more infested with secrets we become on the inside. Shadows only exist with the presence of light.

This is the reason that Ted Haggard stories play themselves out. People like Ted are not bad people. They are just people who do not feel safe or secure enough to share their secrets with others. So the secrets manifest themselves into harmful behaviors, eventually ruining relationships and harming others, as well as themselves.

For years, I have quietly hauled around an addiction to sexual thoughts and pornography. It's been a war inside of me that has been laced in guilt, shame, confusion, and anger. It's manifested itself out in destructive dating relationships in the past as well as my marriage in the presence. It's encouraged me to fixate on beauty that is artificial and ignore beauty that is authentic. The voice of the addiction has haunted my thoughts, yelling at me even when I'm trying to put on the happy face. And more than anything, the addiction has been a lonely and isolated place to be.

After hearing that we are only as sick as our secrets, I decided that I needed to bring my secrets out into the light and expose them to my recovery group. So I mustered up enough courage to do so and I did it. I told them that I'm a hurting man who is living in a painful life in regards to sexuality. After telling them this, I immediately felt a weight lifted off of me because my inside was finally being illuminated. In doing so, I opened myself up to being loved and for the first time, I felt deep love. And that's just it... our hidden secrets take up our capacity to love and be loved.

I have a tough time hearing certain pastors give sermons these days because most of the time I feel like I'm hearing really good theology and interpretation and seeing very little transparency of their stories and struggles. It's not that sermons are bad, but they can be a great escape to hide our secrets behind. I have a hard time seeing so many people get addicted to their religion, so much so that they are under the belief that their religion is their surrender. They forget that theology cannot bring secrets into the light. Studying the Bible cannot bring secrets into the light. Attending church cannot bring secrets into the light. It's only a willingness to step into the light that can expose their secrets to the light.

Whether you are a pastor or not, I encourage you to come out into the light. Lay down the bible, cancel your activities for the night, and expose yourself to someone. Leave the lonely world behind and breathe. God's love is as real as your breath when you give yourself the capacity to breathe.

You are deeply loved.